How to be a Riter!

It's said that everyone has a novel in them. Some people can be said to have three or four in them, but it's probably just a gland problem.

But you're not everyone, are you? You're special, because you, my friend, are a WRITER! So adept at wordplay and the art of text-massaging that you can make a living off of your scribblings.

But it won't be easy, by any means. The awful truth is, no matter how good of a writer you are (for all I know, you could write prose so beautiful that reading a single sentence of it will make me shit my soul out through my eyes), some types of literature sell better than others. Sure, you could spend another year on your 200-page character study in which the protagonist spends 3 weeks locked in a cupboard singing to his thumb, or you could churn out a quick moneymaker.

A chillingly-penned expose of corporate corruption of the textile industry may seem to you to be an example of a throbbing, vital issue at the heart of modern society, but it probably won't sell as well as a book aimed at teenage girl in which the protagonist falls in love with her clammy stalker.

So, what do you do? The answer would seem to be to write something that'll sell, so you can afford to do your more serious work.

Right then, a romance, a thriller, or a self-help book?

Well, self-help's obviously out, look at the state of your shoes! You can't have yourself together. The public won't accept anyone giving them advice unless you're a charming, witty, in-shape, effortlessly beautiful millionaire who's dating a string of underwear models.

Romance? You? Um...I don't think so.

That's decided, then! You'll write a thriller! They're easy. All you need to do is create a few characters, have something at stake, and the rest writes itself.

Okay, protagonist, obviously a man.

What?

No, if the main character in your thriller is a woman, men won't buy it, unless you're willing to write the first 5 chapters as an extended shower scene. And that would get boring after a while; there are only so many ways you can use the word 'soapy' before you get gratuitous...which might actually be the idea.

Okay, male, ex-marine. that shows that a) He's a renegade who doesn't play by the rules. And b) He can handle himself in a fight, which allows for a lot of loud gun battles, a barechested bar-room brawl, and maybe an exciting pointy swordfight. And his name is...manly...um...Jack.

Jack Mann. Great, now, a love intrest. This is easier, tall, blonde, possibly french, with a love of dangerous situations and even more dangerous men. Name...something feminine...a bird?

Adele Thrush.

Great, now we need a threat, and a villain. The villain can be anyone, so long as they're ethnic, but you know, bad ethnic. All screaming and beheading and sipping weird alcohols. They should also havesome kind of deformity, like a scar, or a constantly bleeding nose. Scars are best if they have meaning, so how about your villain has the word 'Habdabs' carved into his forehead, and at the end we find out is was the name of his beloved childhood spider monkey! That's character development.

For any good thriller, the stakes have to be high, and meaningful to the hero.

The villain, Aluc Al-Fleschwound, kidnaps Jack Mann's favourite stylist (you know, the one who cuts his hair just the way he likes it) and holds him ransom for all the bees he can eat. Only by teaming up with sultry foreign agent/jewel thief Adele Thrush, can Jack hope to save him!

Follow that formula, and before you know it you'll be rolling in cash, fame, and women. Or men. Or echidnas. Look, I don't know how you spend your weekend, okay?

See you in the bestseller list.