halloween
Halloween's great. It's the only time in your adult life that you can dress up as a wolfman and not get accused of being sexually deviant.
For women at halloween, there's not really a lot of choice when it comes to costumes. Basically, your choice comes down to sexy vampire, sexy witch, and sexy nurse.
Which is so incredibly sexist...to men. What if I wanted to be a sexy vampire? No shop in the land is going to offer me a reasonably priced cape and codpiece combo.
If you don't know, a codpiece is basically a bit of leather that goes over the crotch of your trousers, and accentuates your genitals. Sure, you could probably just stuff your pants with tissue, but maybe you prefer to compensate in a more medieval flavour. But that's another weird thing. I've never seen any store sell a codpiece. I think it would be fair to say that it's a bit of a niche item. You know, you're never going to see a mainstream shop sell a branded tackle enhancer.
Buy the Topshop todger tote!
The Debenhams dick duffel!
The Sainsbury's schlong satchel.
All the cool kids are wearing them!
This isn't just a codpiece...this is an M&S codpiece.
I do most of my shopping online nowadays. Ebay's a goldmine. But something I hate is the terminology that gets used on there. If you get the highest bid, you don't buy the item, you WIN it. Yaaay! Woo! You win, now give me your money! Yaaay, I've got your money! Don't you feel like a winner?
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Sunday, 24 October 2010
The Talk
When you got to a certain age, your parents probably sat you down and gave you the talk. You know the one I mean.
The sex talk.
It's something I hate the idea of, mainly because 99% of parents are really awkward about talking to their kids about sex. They get embarressed, explain it poorly, and the kid ends up going away confused.
I just think it's baffling that anyone could be embarressed talking to your kid about sex. If it were a stranger, sure. You try explaining the mechanics of the female orgasm to some guy at the bus stop, and sure, that would feel weird.
But this isn't a stranger you're talking to. This is a human being that YOU MADE. This kid crawled out of one of you. I'd imagine that puts you on pretty intimate terms.
Secondly, it's the fact that people know it as 'the talk'. Not talks, talk, singular.
Everything the kid will ever needs to know about sex must fit into this one talk. How are you going to fit it all in?
Figuratively speaking.
"Hey, son. -inhales- boysandgirlsaredifferentgayshappenandAIDSisathing, and you should only do that stuff if you're in love. Got that? Bye!"
I mean, ideally you'd want a series of talks, lectures, even, to cover all the possible topics associated with sex.
"Okay, so last week we covered rough sex, this week I'll be talking about fisting, next week too, maybe, depending how much I can cram in."
All I'm saying is that it would work out better. Communication can only be a good thing.
The sex talk.
It's something I hate the idea of, mainly because 99% of parents are really awkward about talking to their kids about sex. They get embarressed, explain it poorly, and the kid ends up going away confused.
I just think it's baffling that anyone could be embarressed talking to your kid about sex. If it were a stranger, sure. You try explaining the mechanics of the female orgasm to some guy at the bus stop, and sure, that would feel weird.
But this isn't a stranger you're talking to. This is a human being that YOU MADE. This kid crawled out of one of you. I'd imagine that puts you on pretty intimate terms.
Secondly, it's the fact that people know it as 'the talk'. Not talks, talk, singular.
Everything the kid will ever needs to know about sex must fit into this one talk. How are you going to fit it all in?
Figuratively speaking.
"Hey, son. -inhales- boysandgirlsaredifferentgayshappenandAIDSisathing, and you should only do that stuff if you're in love. Got that? Bye!"
I mean, ideally you'd want a series of talks, lectures, even, to cover all the possible topics associated with sex.
"Okay, so last week we covered rough sex, this week I'll be talking about fisting, next week too, maybe, depending how much I can cram in."
All I'm saying is that it would work out better. Communication can only be a good thing.
Romantic Language
I find the way couples talk to each other interesting. Because after two people have been together a while, they tend to develop their own little languages, in-jokes and word games, that sort of thing.
A couple's been tegether a few years, and the guy will say something like "My, isn't that car going fast.", and the girl will reply: "Not as fast as that trifle, eh?".
You see, it's funny because they shared a trifle once and ended up eating it quite fast because she was running late for the salon, and it's become a 'hilarious' running joke.
Anyway, I was listening to a couple who I'm friends with have a conversation, and they were doing all the usual lovey-dovey bollocks, when the guy said something interesting. He said:
"I can't imagine life without you."
This struck me as weird thing to say. You can't? It's one thing to say "I don't want to imagine life without you.", but CAN'T? You can't imagine it?
"Yeah, I tried to imagine it, but I got a nosebleed, everything went dark, and when I woke up I was covered in chocolate. At least, I hope it was chocolate."
I just don't think it's romantic. When you say "I can't imagine life without you.", effectively what you're saying is:
"Darling, being in your presence has left me so hopeless and crushed with despair that I can no longer form abstract thoughts. My imagination shriveled and died under your influence. EVERY MOMENT I SPEND WITH YOU FURTHER ROBS ME OF MY ABILITY TO DREAM OF SOMETHING BETTER. Love yooou."
A couple's been tegether a few years, and the guy will say something like "My, isn't that car going fast.", and the girl will reply: "Not as fast as that trifle, eh?".
You see, it's funny because they shared a trifle once and ended up eating it quite fast because she was running late for the salon, and it's become a 'hilarious' running joke.
Anyway, I was listening to a couple who I'm friends with have a conversation, and they were doing all the usual lovey-dovey bollocks, when the guy said something interesting. He said:
"I can't imagine life without you."
This struck me as weird thing to say. You can't? It's one thing to say "I don't want to imagine life without you.", but CAN'T? You can't imagine it?
"Yeah, I tried to imagine it, but I got a nosebleed, everything went dark, and when I woke up I was covered in chocolate. At least, I hope it was chocolate."
I just don't think it's romantic. When you say "I can't imagine life without you.", effectively what you're saying is:
"Darling, being in your presence has left me so hopeless and crushed with despair that I can no longer form abstract thoughts. My imagination shriveled and died under your influence. EVERY MOMENT I SPEND WITH YOU FURTHER ROBS ME OF MY ABILITY TO DREAM OF SOMETHING BETTER. Love yooou."
Friday, 22 October 2010
The Far Right
I was at a BNP rally the other day. Not because I'm racist, I just love acronyms.
Anyway, I happened to be nearby, and I noticed this new thing they're doing. Masks. They've actually got these stupid masks that cover the bottom halves of their faces, so you can only see the eyes. And they've got the England flag painted on them. Because, you know, nothing says 'Nationalism' quite like (covers lower half of face with hands, in the style of the mask) "MFFFMMMEMMFMFM!"
I suppose it's meant to be intimidating, but all it really it does is make them look like Darth Vader after a shopping spree at Poundland. You know, after the Empire collapsed Lord Vader lost all his savings and now he has to work as a cashier at Lidl.
"-inhales- -exhales- -inhales- Semi-skimmed milk, 49p. -exhales- -inhales- Family pack of low fat sausages, 99p. -inhales- Gladys, can I get a price check on the chocolate fingers? -exhales-"
But let's get serious for a moment. There is one thing I feel needs to be discussed. It's been on everyone's mind a lot, and I feel we need to just get it out in the open, put it on the table, and mull it over.
That's right. I want to talk about Nick Griffin's penis.
For him to be so angry, at so many people, it's got to be pretty small. But the question is: how small?
Let me tell you: he has no shaft. Not even an inch. All that's there is head. It's like a little purple strawberry that someone glued to his navel. It's this tiny, malformed little nub perched on top of a pair of shriveled, hairless little grapes. At this point, the dick part of his actual dick, or what remains of it, is practically inverted. His racistness has actually caused his cock to begin retreating back into him, like a snail into it's shell.
Now, the real question here is: 'Has he got a small penis because he's racist, or is he racist because he's got a small penis?'. I dont know if there's a correlation between racistness and penis size, I just know that it's probably the most fucked up graph you'll ever have to draw.
Next week, bigoted vaginas. Are they wide, or droopy?
Anyway, I happened to be nearby, and I noticed this new thing they're doing. Masks. They've actually got these stupid masks that cover the bottom halves of their faces, so you can only see the eyes. And they've got the England flag painted on them. Because, you know, nothing says 'Nationalism' quite like (covers lower half of face with hands, in the style of the mask) "MFFFMMMEMMFMFM!"
I suppose it's meant to be intimidating, but all it really it does is make them look like Darth Vader after a shopping spree at Poundland. You know, after the Empire collapsed Lord Vader lost all his savings and now he has to work as a cashier at Lidl.
"-inhales- -exhales- -inhales- Semi-skimmed milk, 49p. -exhales- -inhales- Family pack of low fat sausages, 99p. -inhales- Gladys, can I get a price check on the chocolate fingers? -exhales-"
But let's get serious for a moment. There is one thing I feel needs to be discussed. It's been on everyone's mind a lot, and I feel we need to just get it out in the open, put it on the table, and mull it over.
That's right. I want to talk about Nick Griffin's penis.
For him to be so angry, at so many people, it's got to be pretty small. But the question is: how small?
Let me tell you: he has no shaft. Not even an inch. All that's there is head. It's like a little purple strawberry that someone glued to his navel. It's this tiny, malformed little nub perched on top of a pair of shriveled, hairless little grapes. At this point, the dick part of his actual dick, or what remains of it, is practically inverted. His racistness has actually caused his cock to begin retreating back into him, like a snail into it's shell.
Now, the real question here is: 'Has he got a small penis because he's racist, or is he racist because he's got a small penis?'. I dont know if there's a correlation between racistness and penis size, I just know that it's probably the most fucked up graph you'll ever have to draw.
Next week, bigoted vaginas. Are they wide, or droopy?
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