Freudian

ID & SUPER are two opposing parts of ALAN's psyche, working against each other to obtain whatever they each think is best.

SUPER is forcedly calm, slightly smug, and very self righteous. She also has a tendency to be mumsy, condescending, and petty.

ID is trying too hard to be cool. He pretends to take nothing seriously. He's sarcastic to ID and slightly bullying to whoever he tries to convince.

*** ***

INTERIOR: ALAN'S House. Kitchen.

ALAN potters about, performing small domestic tasks. He goes over to the cupboard or fridge to put something back, and notices a slice of cake inside. He's momentarily wracked with indecision. ID appears beside him.

SUPER: You really shouldn't eat that, you know. You'll regret it when you can't fit into your good suit.

ID appears on ALAN's other side.

ID: It's just cake. Come on, it's not gonna bite.

SUPER:(Disapproving) But you want to look good at the office don't you?

ID: The office is full of dicks. Like Dave, remember? He stole your good pen!

SUPER:(Ignoring ID) But there is that nice girl Carol, you'd like to look handsome for her, wouldn't you, eh? You'd like to impress her.

ALAN grins and nods at SUPER.

ID: Look, forget 'Carol'. Just look at that cake, sitting there, UNEATEN. It's mocking you.

ID: Are you going to let comestibles laugh at you?

ID & SUPER dissapear.

ALAN makes a defiant face at the cake, and takes it to a table, intending to eat it. He takes a few grateful bites. There is a fruitbowl on the table in front of him.

SUPER reappears.

SUPER: I'm very dissapointed in you.

ALAN ignores her.

SUPER: It's okay though, this is salvagable. Why not have some fruit? (Gestures to the bowl.)

ID reappears.

ID:(Incredulous) Fruit.

SUPER: Some lovely oranges, maybe some banana slices. Sweet, succulent and juicy; like Carol!

ID looks annoyed, and grits his teeth.

ID: No, ALAN! Remember your training. Defeating your opponent is all about honour...

SUPER looks confused. So does ALAN.

ID:...this dessert is your opponent, and to sully something so magnificent with a manky orange or a piffling little pear would be doing it a huge disservice.

SUPER: (facepalm) That's...

ID: Are you going to dishonour the cake, ALAN? Do you fight that dirty?

ALAN looks shocked and shakes his head vigorously, eating the cake more quickly.

This time, ID & SUPER don't disappear, ID looks smugly over at ALAN while he recieves a death stare from SUPER.

SUPER: (Addressing ID directly for the first time) Can I speak to you...outside?

They leave, to stand in the hallway.

SUPER: What the hell was that!?

ID: What?

SUPER: That tangential crap! That's not an argument, it's a farce!

ID: I was merely employing esoteric logic to solve a problem.

SUPER: God, you're impossible.

ID: It's very complicated. you wouldn't understand.

SUPER: I'm not debating this with you. I'm just trying to do my job in there, and you're making it very hard for me.

ID: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you stood me up at the ball last week.

SUPER: One time! I said I was sorry!

ID: Four hours I was stood there. In the snow. In winter.

SUPER: It can't have been that bad.

ID: In Antarctica.

SUPER: Ah. It was the Penguin Cafe Orchestra, wasn't it.

ID: Bottom line, he's my puppet, and there's nothing you can do about it.

SUPER: Oh yeah?

ID: Try me.

SUPER Re-enters the kitchen, where ALAN is listening with a shocked expression on his face. She grabs a frying pan and goes back into the hallway.

We only hear the following:

ID: What are you-

A loud clanging sound is made.

CUT TO:

ALAN sits on the sofa, watching Tv. He notices a chocolate bar on the table. He reaches for it, but his hand is stopped by ID, sitting on the sofa beside him. He looks worried, and has a bandage on his head.

ID: (Quietly, pleadingly) Don't.

Pan out to show SUPER, sitting on a chair, arms folded, looking sternly at them.

END

Things you shouldn't mention.

When buying a cake:

'Your buns are very well-formed."

When washing a cat:

"This pussy's dripping wet."

When praying at a Synagogue:

"I've discovered a way to combine bacon and sausage! I call it...bausage."

When someone's Mac has crashed:

"Isn't there an app for that?"

When meeting a blind person:

"How many kittens did you make god kill?"

Hosting a Weightwatchers meeting:

"But is it really glandular?"

Talking to a man in a wheelchair.

"You know, you're a real stand-up guy."

Making a speech at a Feminist conference:

"I'll be brief, because I know you all need to get home and make dinner."

Meeting an amputee:

"High-five!"

*** ***

And of course, the war.

The Dark Heart of Bread.

While rummaging through some old boxes in the attic, I came across a CD by the Californian rock band, Bread. It was a 'greatest hits' CD, you know, a compilation of all the songs by a popular band that cretins (or kareoke enthusiasts, as they're known) know the words to.

While looking at the track listing, I've become increasingly worried about what it is implying. Let me show you...

1)Dismal Day
We've all had one of those day. Maybe his boss yelled at him, or he just lost the big account, it's normal. Maybe he'll hit the bar to calm down.

2)Any Way you Want Me
3)It Don't Matter to me
4)Make it With You
Hmm, alright, he met a girl, he thinks he's hit it off and they decide to go back to his place...

5)Look What You've Done
6)I Want You With Me
An accusation. This is turning ugly; things are moving fast. Perhaps too fast?

7)Let Your Love Go
8)Too Much Love
There's some reluctance, and someone gets cajoled...overpowered, even.

9)If
If? If what?! The real truth of what happened that evening remains hidden to us.

10)He's a Good Lad
Ah, denial. The first stage of coping with a traumatic event.

11)Mother Freedom
12)Baby I'm - A Want You
13)Down On My Knees
14)Everything I Own
Hmm, begging. So when violence fails, you must manipulate her into staying, is that it?!

15)Diary
16)Guitar Man
17)Aubrey
As the situation worsens, our damsel's only escape is into a worl of fantasy, as real life is know too much to bear.

18)Sweet Surrender
My god...you drove her to do it, didn't you?

19)She's the Only One
AND NOW SHE'S GONE, BECAUSE OF YOU!

20)Lost Without Your Love
It's too late for regrets now. You don't deserve absolution.

21)Soap (I Use The)
No matter how much you wash, you'll never be clean.

22)Ann
That was her name...

23)Never Let Go
I guess you'll just have to live with it.

24)Goodbye Girl
Years later, an lone elderly man leaves flowers on a grave, as he does every week, and has done for all these long years.

*** ***

Now, I'm not claiming that the Lyricist of Bread drunkenly forced a girl into sex, then held her in an abusive and bitter relationship before driving her to suicide to escape the misery and never truly being able to live with the knowledge of what he'd done...



...but I'm not saying he didn't, either.

Sex Olympics

Sex Games.

*** ***

Title Card Graphic:"Anglican Television Network - ATN".

Scene 1 - Interior - TV Studio.
Daisy Hawthorne is seated behind a desk, shuffling papers. She is dressed smartly in a businesslike manner. As the scene begins she pretends to read something off of the papers, then looks up at the autocue to deliver her lines.

DAISY: Good afternoon. This is ATN and I'm Daisy Hawthorne, bringing you up-to-date coverage of the latest news. The biggest sporting event of the year is now well into it's second day, and already, Britain has started to bring home the gold. Our sports correspondent Mike West is here with former athlete Adonis Clarke to bring us up to speed. Mike?

Cut to:

Interior - Different section of TV studio.

Mike West & Adonis Clarke are seated next to each other at the sports desk. As well as papers, it has minature sports parapharnalia on it. Mike West is dressed soberly, a veteran reporter who seems uncomfortable with his partner. Adonis is dressed in ironic T-shirt and blazer, with a basball cap or visor. He is chewing gum.

MIKE: Thanks Daisy. Well, I know it's a little premature, but the 69th Sexual Olympiad may already be Britain's Games. Today was the men's events, and the first victory was the Penile Decathalon, wasn't it?

ADONIS: Sure was. the decathalon is always a close contest and this was no different. the eventual winner, Marivn Hayes, won by the skin of his *pauses, masticating* ...teeth.

MIKE: *Laughs nervously* I believe we can now go live to Mr. hayes, who is reading a statement.

Cut to:

Exterior - Pavement. MARVIN HAYES standing in front of a group of people, reading a statement.

MARVIN: ...And I'd like to thank my mum and dad, and my dog, and of course my three beautiful coaches Belle, Clarisse and Lexus. It wasn't at all easy getting here and I think it's a testament to the great British qualities of honour, vigour, sportsmanship, and of course , the sin of lust. *Hurriedly* Oh, and I'd also like to thank my sponsors the KY jelly compan- (CUT OFF)

Return to MIKE & ADONIS in the studio.

Time-travelling Killbot

There's a colossal explosion, a maelstrom of hellfire and shattered concrete that no doubt cost a packet. Soldiers scramble to escape the blast radius, clad in filthy rags that haven't been washed since the world ended. All is silent, the air heaving with smoke as a thick quagmire of dislodged mud forms. From it erupts a naked man, looking like he's spent the last ten years living in a Paris sewer. He stumbles forward, uncertain, then throws his arms skyward and says:

"AAAARRRRGGHHHHHWUUUUUUH!".

Yes, I've been watching Termintor Salvation, the latest installment in the wildly popular time-travelling killbot franchise. This beacon of modern cinema was directed by McG, with his siblings Whopper and Big Mac acting as producers. Christian Bale, he of the raspy voice and lighting rants, stars. He's assisted by well-built, all-round nondescript guy, Sam Rockwell (last seen playing giant blue marsupial No. 4).

Upon seeing this film, I noticed two things.

One: Everything is filthy (Robot holocausts probably cut the average shower time considerably).

Two: In the future, there are NO INDOOR VOICES. Almost every single character in the movie screams their lines like town criers at a Metallica concert.

This leads me to believe that the use of volume is actually a clever and highly sophisticated storytelling tool. It gives the story background without exposition. If everyone in the future shouts, there must be a reason for it, especially since loud noises attract metal monstosities whose main interests are a) murder, and b) you. Clearly, the creators of the film intended the audience to fill in some gaps for themselves, since real art has no need for silly things like the explanation of plot points.

Therefore, I choose to believe this: Before the robots officially took over, they executed a stealth campaign to weaken the humans first. They did this by making millions of sentient radios and distributing them across the country. These radios were instructed to, when switched on, gradually increase their volume, until it was at a painful pitch. This, coupled with extended drum 'n' bass mixes being given extra airtime by cybernetically enhanced DJs, would forever damage the general populaces hearing, so that they would be forced to SHOUT in order to make themselves HEARD. This would not only make the filthy humans easier to find and grind into a fine paste, but would also cause undue suffering and difficulty to an organic being, which is what every true machine wants.

*** ***

Remember, robots have only two settings: Malevolence, and the desire to cause harm and/or injury to another being.

Bottom...

'Bottom' was a sitcom from the 90's, noted for highly violent and energetic slapstick, and crude, anarchic humour. It starred Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson, two of the pioneers of the alternative comedy scene in the early 1980's. It's a show that holds a very special place in my heart.

To explain what it is I like about the show, I'm going to break it down a little. I'll start with the setting.

The main characters occupy an unremmiting pit of squalor. A flat that is not so much a home, as a vortex that sucks in all the flotsam and jetsam from a pair of misery and frustration-filled lives. It's a deathtrap. But an incredibly filthy flat is nothing new. That sort of thing has been done before. And that's true. But what makes the setting of Bottom special is the way it's influenced for the better by the traditional sitcom trappings and limited budget. The majority of the episodes take place in the flat; when any action takes place elsewhere, we are immediately transported to another cramped, interior location. While there are some exterior scenes, these are usually at night and marked by the same squalor as the homestead. The effect of this is that it gives off the feeling of a maze. An endless promenade of dull and dirty rooms that the main characters are trapped by, like rats in a maze.

A rat is a very fitting comparison for the two main characters, who were semi-revolutionary in that they have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Richie is a stupid, pompous, and loudmouthed sociopath with delusions of grandeur and pathological sexual frustration. Eddie is a drunk, violent, and equally stupid waster of a man. Their entire lives are spent in pursuit of a magical prize that will give them some brief flicker of enjoyment in their lives, be it money, alcohol, or the chance to expel some liquid (sex).


Eddie, (left) and Richie (right).

Richie is a character that I hate to call 'affeminate' so much as simply lacking in any real masculine qualities. He is deeply immature, self-obssessed and has never had sex. As such, he is fixated on being able to 'do it', despite having no ides how to woo or even talk to a woman. Or mostly anyone else for that matter. He is universally disliked by almost every person he encounters. To me, this makes him fascinating.

At his core, Richie is the man that every boy fears he will grow up to be. He is a bundle of adolescent traits, pathetically trying to squeeze into an adult-shaped role. He's every bit as socially and sexually awkward as the average teenager. This is what a neurotic and insecure young man would look like if he never went through the phase of maturation. The fact that he's a virgin isn't just for laughs, it goes some way to explaining his immensely puerile nature. As a character, he represents the quintessential failed human male.

If Richie is who we were afraid to be, Eddie is who we were afraid our friends would become. Eddie is a friend of necessity, motivated by opportunism. He lives with Richie because he has no wish to pay bills or work, and spends most of his time drinking or drunk in a bid to escape Richie's constant and infuriating company. They hate each other, but have come to rely on each other for companionship and safety. Eddie has nowhere else to go, and it is unlikely Richie would ever make another friend. Despite this antipathy, they still feel the need to impress and compete with each other, just like children.

Together, they form an incredibly dysfunctional relationship, incorporating all the worst aspects of the family unit. Sometimes they're an overbearing mother and disobedient son, sometimes they're a bitter and violently abusive couple. Most of the time, they're just bickering siblings.

As I said, the characters are essentially imprisoned both by the setting and their own personalities. It's not surprising therfore, that most of the plots involve around Richie and Eddie aquiring something that will allow them to escape the misery, if only for a short time. They have no concept of stability or emotional security, and both of them are always chasing the next great white hope that they think will fix their lives, whether it actually exists or not. They live from treat to treat, with no regard for those around them, or each other. This is depressingly compelling to watch, a sort of grim voyeurism as you see the lives and hopes of two people wither and die constantly.



So that's Bottom. It's exquisitely hopeless, like a children's book written by an alcoholic widower.

*** ***

On second thoughts it's more like a performance of Waiting for Godot, with the scripts replaced by issues of Viz.